Gabrielle Goliath

“I’ve been struggling these past few days...

Struggling to stay focused.

Struggling to smile.

Struggling to remember the good things in my life.

It’s just way too easy to have a pity party I find.

And this frustrates me no end...

“You have so much to be thankful for”

I find myself saying over and over again.

“Look around you”

I say as I drive through a predominantly ‘Coloured’,

gang infested, drug soaked township on my way to work.

And it is exactly this dichotomy of my life that frustrates me.

The poverty and hopelessness I see around me

leaves me inspired to share my message of hope,

but it also drags me down into a dark pit of gloom and self-pity.

When I see boys as young as twelve smoke and drink behind a wall, and little girls dance suggestively just a few meters away from them,

I know what the outcome is going to be.

And I pray for those little girls to be able to hold onto their innocence for just a few more years.

just until someone...

a teacher... an older sister... or cousin...

comes along and tells them there is more to life.

More to life than smoking

and drinking

and boys

and dancing

and sex.

“The children don’t want to listen to us”

say my staff at work.

I share my story and that of my grandmother with them.

I’m doing what I can... where I can, in the hope that they will share that message with their children.

But apparently pretty words can’t compete with the good feelings drugs and alcohol and sex provide.

And my frustration and impatience sends me tumbling into a deep dark vacuum.

What good was my suffering if I can’t help others lead a better life?

What purpose did it serve?”